"Aww, my spoon broke. It's a homemade spork." *five minutes later* "Aww, my spork broke. Now it's a survival knife." *five minutes later*
"DON'T STAB MY JUGULAR!! I'LL MACE YOU! AHHHHHHH!!!!"
After school one day, my mom picked Emily (my sis) and I up and taken us to get frozen yogurt. Emily had tried a new flavor after her portion and had thrown away the sample cup but had kept the tiny plastic spoon. On the drive home, our grandma calls us in the car and asks us to get her some Burger King. When the phone rang, Emily freaked out and bit through the plastic spoon part, breaking off a little triangle piece. She then proceeded to call it a homemade spork. Not five minutes later but she broke the spoon head completely off, leaving a jagged edge to the spoon. Now it was a survival knife, even though it now was shorter than 1.75 inches. Right as we pulled into the drive thru at Burger King, Emily decided to start poking my mom in the throat with the tiny 'survival knife'. At this point my mom yells to Emily,"DON'T STAB MY JUGULAR!!!! I'LL MACE YOU!" She whacks away the hand with the plastic in it and pulls out a tiny bottle of PINK perfume from her purse. My mom then proceeds to spray it in Emily's face. Emily had her mouth open and she ended up getting PINK in her mouth. All while the drive thru person was listening, because my mom had already started to order.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Shit My Family Says
"Before you ever do anything ask yourself this question,'Am I being a retard?'. If the answer is yes, then don't do that."
It was New Year's Eve and my mom, dad, and I were heading to Olive Garden (without my sister this time. She was at a friend's house). I had walked out of the house and gotten into the car without putting my coat on. A few seconds later my dad comes out to the car and gets into the driver's seat and looks at me and asks, "Do you like getting yelled at?"
"No. Why?"
"Why don't you do things that are common sense?"
"Like what?"
"Putting your coat on before you walk out of the house when it's 25 degrees outside," he said.
"Um, I don't know. I didn't want to," I say.
"Next time use common sense," He replied, "and before you ever do anything, ask yourself this question,'Am I being a retard'. If the answer is yes, then don't do that."
It was New Year's Eve and my mom, dad, and I were heading to Olive Garden (without my sister this time. She was at a friend's house). I had walked out of the house and gotten into the car without putting my coat on. A few seconds later my dad comes out to the car and gets into the driver's seat and looks at me and asks, "Do you like getting yelled at?"
"No. Why?"
"Why don't you do things that are common sense?"
"Like what?"
"Putting your coat on before you walk out of the house when it's 25 degrees outside," he said.
"Um, I don't know. I didn't want to," I say.
"Next time use common sense," He replied, "and before you ever do anything, ask yourself this question,'Am I being a retard'. If the answer is yes, then don't do that."
Shit My Family Says
"There's a frog here with lymphoma."
"THAT'S NOT A FROG! IT'S A GECKO!!!"
It was one in the morning on a Friday night. Emily had her friend Jaquelynn over for a sleepover and I had my BFF Emily over too. At this time, my sister was deeply obsessed with WebKinz. She has like 60 of them. So we were all in her room playing WebKinz vet because we were really bored. My BFF would take Emily's MERICK Veterinary Manual and look up diseases and assign them to different WebKinz animals from Emily's closet shelf. Emily (my BFF) went into the closet and got a gecko WebKinz and came into Emily's (my sister's) room and announced, "THERE'S A FROG HERE WITH LYMPHOMA." My sister looks up from her desk where she was currently doing surgery on a brown puppy with a tumor in his stomach and takes one look at the WebKinz in Emily's hands and yells, "THAT'S NOT A FROG! THAT'S A GECKO!!"
"THAT'S NOT A FROG! IT'S A GECKO!!!"
It was one in the morning on a Friday night. Emily had her friend Jaquelynn over for a sleepover and I had my BFF Emily over too. At this time, my sister was deeply obsessed with WebKinz. She has like 60 of them. So we were all in her room playing WebKinz vet because we were really bored. My BFF would take Emily's MERICK Veterinary Manual and look up diseases and assign them to different WebKinz animals from Emily's closet shelf. Emily (my BFF) went into the closet and got a gecko WebKinz and came into Emily's (my sister's) room and announced, "THERE'S A FROG HERE WITH LYMPHOMA." My sister looks up from her desk where she was currently doing surgery on a brown puppy with a tumor in his stomach and takes one look at the WebKinz in Emily's hands and yells, "THAT'S NOT A FROG! THAT'S A GECKO!!"
Shit My Family Says
"Where is a place you collect minerals?"
"A MINE!"
"A CAVERN!"
"A CAVE!"
"A ditch?"
We were playing Blurt with my dad's family and we were amid an epic battle for last space on the board. The last question was,"Where is a place you collect minerals?" I was first to shout the answer which was "A MINE!" Quickly following me was my dad with "A CAVERN!" Then my sister with "A CAVE!" The last person to answer was my mom, with "a ditch?" Everyone at the table turned and looked at her.
"What?" she asked
"You don't collect minerals from a ditch, mom." I replied.
Everybody bust out laughing.... I mean hey, it was pretty funny.
"A MINE!"
"A CAVERN!"
"A CAVE!"
"A ditch?"
We were playing Blurt with my dad's family and we were amid an epic battle for last space on the board. The last question was,"Where is a place you collect minerals?" I was first to shout the answer which was "A MINE!" Quickly following me was my dad with "A CAVERN!" Then my sister with "A CAVE!" The last person to answer was my mom, with "a ditch?" Everyone at the table turned and looked at her.
"What?" she asked
"You don't collect minerals from a ditch, mom." I replied.
Everybody bust out laughing.... I mean hey, it was pretty funny.
Shit My Family Says
"You all are retards."
"Well we come from you therefore you are a vampire."
It was Thanksgiving. My extended family had come to our house to have turkey etc. Then after the meal we were playing Apples to Apples. We probably played for maybe 2 hours. Then everyone started to get bored, so Emily and I started to clean up the game. During this time we were looking at all of the cards and Emily read the descriptions for 'blood' and 'vampire' out loud. After we managed to giggle hysterically for five minutes, my dad looks at us and says, "you all are retards." My sister looks back at him and says, "Oh yeah? Well we come from you, therefore you are a vampire." We all bust out laughing. That was the best mess up ever.
"Well we come from you therefore you are a vampire."
It was Thanksgiving. My extended family had come to our house to have turkey etc. Then after the meal we were playing Apples to Apples. We probably played for maybe 2 hours. Then everyone started to get bored, so Emily and I started to clean up the game. During this time we were looking at all of the cards and Emily read the descriptions for 'blood' and 'vampire' out loud. After we managed to giggle hysterically for five minutes, my dad looks at us and says, "you all are retards." My sister looks back at him and says, "Oh yeah? Well we come from you, therefore you are a vampire." We all bust out laughing. That was the best mess up ever.
Shit My Family Says
"Peas... when they squish you it's like having a whole new best friend."
Honestly, I can't begin to explain this one. My sister, my best friend and I were hanging out in my garage last summer and we were throwing frozen vegetables at each other. My friend had just thrown a bag of okra and Emily retaliated by throwing a bag of peas and yelling "Peas... When they squish you it's like having a whole new best friend!"
Honestly, I can't begin to explain this one. My sister, my best friend and I were hanging out in my garage last summer and we were throwing frozen vegetables at each other. My friend had just thrown a bag of okra and Emily retaliated by throwing a bag of peas and yelling "Peas... When they squish you it's like having a whole new best friend!"
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